❗️ Disclaimer: Here at Scotty Beam’s blog station we do not promote heavy drinking, but rather refer to it as an existing facet of adult life, with its own set of pros and cons. If you’re easily offended by mere mentions of alcoholic beverages, you might skip this, erm… episode?
❔If you’re a bit like me, then you have questions coming into your thinkbox almost all the time.
Natural curiosity? Maybe. But I think it has more to do with my thirst for answers. You can’t sleep that well until you wash them all away…
💭So in this post I will talk all about a topic that does not come up often in the everyday life of human beings, and has probably never crossed your mind before either.
Alcoholic Adventures In Outer Space!
You see, ‘Scotty Montgomery Beam’ is not just a name.
💛My vessel carries a fraction of Montgomery Scott’s soul, and that geezer was a known bar dweller. But since I am just a wee lil hamster, I have to manage my consumption accordingly, and frankly, that’s one of the reasons why I’m floating in space ‒ it helps me stay squeaky clean and off the liquor.
🍺How does being in space help this fluffy piece of hunk to be straight edge? Alcohol and zero gravity don’t mix up well, like scots and english. Like scots and irish. Like scots and welsh. Like scots and other scots…
🍷Anyway, alcohol is generally disallowed on spaceships, but of course, there’s rules, and there’s real life. Russians have been smuggling hooch into orbit in book covers for ages, and a gentleman that goes by the name of Buzz Aldrin brought wine to the moon all the way back in 1969, albeit as part of a religious ritual.
🚀Spacemen have to be sober at launch, but what happens in space stays in space. At least that’s the lie I keep telling myself.
And You Know, Space Is Tricky
For example, bubbles in carbonated drinks (like beer) do not form and cause wet burps.
🍸You don’t want to deal with that and zero gravity at the same time! Сhampagne is also useless and dangerous, but who in their right mind would take chances on it in space? If you want to be safe and sound, your drink of choice should be recycled urine.
And I’m not trying to shock you ‒ to be an astronaut, you have to go watch some Bear Grylls for tutorials.
☁️There is also a giant cloud of alcohol in outer space, betcha didn’t know that! Unfortunately, it isn’t suitable for drinking, as it is methyl alcohol known as W3(OH). This hamster knows his chemistry, ya know.
🍹Generally there’s a lot of alcoholic disappointment happening in space, really. You can’t bring aftershave or mouthwash with you, you can’t distillate here, and even if you get away with a mislabeled ‘juice’ bottle that is really cognac, someone will rat on you.
So yeah, alcohol is very unpredictable in space, and you better traverse it responsibly!
🍾Because if you won’t and hit the bottle a bit too hard, you would have to strap yourself to the toilet and breathe in that smelly smell, exaggerated by the lack of airflow. You won’t mask any smell there… Trust me.
🖖🏼Do as I say, not as I do. Scotty over and out!
PS. By the way, I’m kinda active on Twitter and I allow myself to speak freely there. Follow me if you want more information about booze, spaceflight and the wonderful world of NFTs.